swimming lessons, laundry, dirty dishes, golf practice, wrestling, more laundry, tears, scraped knees, backyard baseball games, even more laundry, lunch, the disney channel, snack time, messy beds, nap time, Foosball, screaming, kicking, bonked noggins, car seats, spilled juice boxes, french fries and chicken fingers, taco bell straw fencing, exploded sauce packets, sympathetic looks, shakes of judgemental heads, questioning stares, understanding chuckles, shoes on the wrong feet, giggles, staring contests, tickles, free spankings, chasing, running away, filthy socks, soy milk mustaches, ketchup stains, Nerf gun wars, gameboys, flicked lips, creative dosing, chores, tooth brushing, hide-and-seek, you go hide.
i lead a life of normalcy. i am a hire-a-soccer-mom. i have a car seat in my backseat. i carry around a giant purse full of snacks and bandaids. i'd drive a minivan but gas isn't cheap. two months ago i lived in another country. i was independent. i was different. i was adventurous. now i'm a four-year old toting, extra clothes lugging nanny. what happened? i need to get out of here.
About Me
- kayla
- i love: the hippo song. toast. ankle socks. scarves. sunglasses. odwallas. headbands. love notes. ice cream. office supplies. shooting stars. cushy carpet. dried mango. football. jcrew. things that sparkle. the periodic table. chapstick. arched brows. journals. lab goggles. funny movies. poetry. skipping. musicals. 7 layer burritos minus the cheese. buccanators. bangs. sarcasm. a good book. dancing. old jeans. travel-size bottles. gauchos. sidewalk chalk. the number 7. praying. fish. cowboy hats. cute coffee shops. john mayer. ashley. sun. dreams. getting ready for a banquet. morals. applications. the smell of rain. winks.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
june 4
it's been over a month. how many changes did i expect? how many things actually turned full circle? how do i keep the good and change the bad? i've been home for three weeks... but who am i? and is home really home? am i the crazy white girl who speaks like a dominican, teaches little kids, falls in love with perfection, the girl who plays in the rain, and soaks up the sun? or am i the self-conscience one who's not sure she's cool enough to hang out with that crowd? who the heck am i?
april 24
platanoes!!! halelujah!! oh halelujah.
soy libre y no se como explicar los stimientos que tengo por camio y mas vida. me siento que tengo un millon opciones pero tengo miedo porque nunca halgo la cosa derecha. pero esta noche to hice que sentio derchecha, que sentio libre y real y loca. me fui a la casa de juan y dadeyva a ver su hijo nuevo y julio me acompanio. ashley y nathalie llegaron un poco mas tarde. cuando estabamos volviendo, comenzo a llover, y julio y yo corremos al pase porque la lluvia fue grande y dura.
estabamos solos y todo el dia nos sentiamos que alo va a pasar. todavia estaba lloviendo, y nos fuimos a la casita y subimos.
comenzamos a besar. despacio. soy dominicana.
soy libre y no se como explicar los stimientos que tengo por camio y mas vida. me siento que tengo un millon opciones pero tengo miedo porque nunca halgo la cosa derecha. pero esta noche to hice que sentio derchecha, que sentio libre y real y loca. me fui a la casa de juan y dadeyva a ver su hijo nuevo y julio me acompanio. ashley y nathalie llegaron un poco mas tarde. cuando estabamos volviendo, comenzo a llover, y julio y yo corremos al pase porque la lluvia fue grande y dura.
estabamos solos y todo el dia nos sentiamos que alo va a pasar. todavia estaba lloviendo, y nos fuimos a la casita y subimos.
comenzamos a besar. despacio. soy dominicana.
april 22
i haven't written in what feels a lifetime. it's been a month since i've opened this book and copied down the happenings of my adventurous life... but when i think back on all the changed that have taken place, it feels like so much longer. but like no time has passed at all...
my whole life feels like that right now. it feels like just yesterday i was packing my suitcase for the eighth time and kissing eric goodbye. then when i think about who i was or what i've done, i feel both miles and centuries away.
within the past month i've hid behind the couch from my dominican father, while talking to my american one. i've avoided the kissing Beto like the plague. i've talked to richard and julio and chachy like we've known each other our whole lives. i've applied for the RA position. i've internet flirted with old friends, but falling deeper in love with those here.
my whole life feels like that right now. it feels like just yesterday i was packing my suitcase for the eighth time and kissing eric goodbye. then when i think about who i was or what i've done, i feel both miles and centuries away.
within the past month i've hid behind the couch from my dominican father, while talking to my american one. i've avoided the kissing Beto like the plague. i've talked to richard and julio and chachy like we've known each other our whole lives. i've applied for the RA position. i've internet flirted with old friends, but falling deeper in love with those here.
march 22
we went to cascada limo today. we rode motoconchos (little motorcycle taxis) all the way there and asked the same ones to return in 3 hours. the ride left us a little stiff (30 minutes on a dirtbike with 2 other people will do that to you...) so we started up the trail a little slowly. we got lost, my bad once again.. apparently i have a terrible sense of direction. anyway, we finally ended up on the right track, we swam, we jumped off some rocks, it was so fun and i'm glad we went. my feet are killing me though.
oh! our motorcycle's tire went flat on the way back, leaving us stuck in the middle of town with no money and some crazy mixed up plan to get us back to the hotel. it worked out, but it took so long.
then we made pancake peanut butter, jelly, and rice crispy sandwhiches. definitely habit-forming-worthy. ashley is a genius. seriously. try it. i'm so tired.
oh! our motorcycle's tire went flat on the way back, leaving us stuck in the middle of town with no money and some crazy mixed up plan to get us back to the hotel. it worked out, but it took so long.
then we made pancake peanut butter, jelly, and rice crispy sandwhiches. definitely habit-forming-worthy. ashley is a genius. seriously. try it. i'm so tired.
march 20
saved a life today.
it's spring break and we've been spending it in las terrenas. we have a pool. i'm tan. ahhhhh. that's all i have to say.
oh, back to the life. there's a little boy staying here in the hotel, he can't swim, but he likes to try. he jumped in, and we thought he was playing... we'd been goofing off with him all week, but he didn't come up and he didn't come up. i jumped in (i was cold), i was scared. what if it was too late? did i wait to long? can i remember cpr? oh crap! i don't remember! so when i get him, what am i going to do? maybe ashley remembers...? i hope so. my hand grabs his tiny wrist and i drag him to the surface. he sputters. thank God. then i yelled at him for not wearing his life jacket. there's nothing worse than getting lectured in spanish... it's true.
it's spring break and we've been spending it in las terrenas. we have a pool. i'm tan. ahhhhh. that's all i have to say.
oh, back to the life. there's a little boy staying here in the hotel, he can't swim, but he likes to try. he jumped in, and we thought he was playing... we'd been goofing off with him all week, but he didn't come up and he didn't come up. i jumped in (i was cold), i was scared. what if it was too late? did i wait to long? can i remember cpr? oh crap! i don't remember! so when i get him, what am i going to do? maybe ashley remembers...? i hope so. my hand grabs his tiny wrist and i drag him to the surface. he sputters. thank God. then i yelled at him for not wearing his life jacket. there's nothing worse than getting lectured in spanish... it's true.
march 18
i don't know what to do about all this. i'm aching to get back to college. talk in english. be normal. but then when i think about leaving all of these people, this place...
what happens when i'm not seeing all my kids each morning, or pledging to a foreign flag, erasing chalk boards, eating beans a rice, speaking spanish. who will i be?? should i withdraw? that'd be easier. or i could dive in deeper, taking advantage of every oportunity i'll never be offered again.
what a dilema.
what happens when i'm not seeing all my kids each morning, or pledging to a foreign flag, erasing chalk boards, eating beans a rice, speaking spanish. who will i be?? should i withdraw? that'd be easier. or i could dive in deeper, taking advantage of every oportunity i'll never be offered again.
what a dilema.
march 12, 13, and 14
i worked in the fields planting trees today. we've firmly established that junior is lazy, juan louis and yovanski are hard workers, and i'm an underestimated girl. after work yovanski shimmied up a coconut tree and got us a snack. he hurt himself pretty bad on the way back down however and walked funny for a couple mintues. we laughed. anyway, we cracked 'em open (okay they cracked them open, they wouldn't let me use the machete), and we ate and drank until we were sick. I had one in time it took for yovanski to get through 5, juan louis had 3... i got beat.
nat and ash and i went for a walk past the cows. we were planning on heading to the river to swim, but we got lost. haha. whoops. on the way back i stopped at house 4. i love them. i really do. we played softball with a deflated red rubber ball for a couple minutes, then we all hopped on a giant rock in their yard. we decided that we should play king of the rock. we ran, and pushed, and giggled, and got muddy, and fell, and got squirted by Blas. it was great. i hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. but then i had to take a shower because all those adolescent boys rubbed their icky smell on me. i hadn't showered in a while.. it was about time.
there hasn't been food for 3 days. no breakfast... so we walked down to the bakery to try to beg some muffins off Beto. it's the friday before spring break. OH GLORIOUS DAY!!! after class, ash and i are going online shopping. yay!
nat and ash and i went for a walk past the cows. we were planning on heading to the river to swim, but we got lost. haha. whoops. on the way back i stopped at house 4. i love them. i really do. we played softball with a deflated red rubber ball for a couple minutes, then we all hopped on a giant rock in their yard. we decided that we should play king of the rock. we ran, and pushed, and giggled, and got muddy, and fell, and got squirted by Blas. it was great. i hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. but then i had to take a shower because all those adolescent boys rubbed their icky smell on me. i hadn't showered in a while.. it was about time.
there hasn't been food for 3 days. no breakfast... so we walked down to the bakery to try to beg some muffins off Beto. it's the friday before spring break. OH GLORIOUS DAY!!! after class, ash and i are going online shopping. yay!
amazon?
my newfound singledom has sparked a wild and free fire of feministic thoughts. it seems that every time i find myself boyless, it's much easier to base my self-worth on things unseen, burried deep within my broken heart. these independent thoughts spur a "keep your chin up" attitude and have forced me to look for personal value in hidden places. unfortunately, i must acknowledge my weakness of reverting to old, less individualistic, habits--counting on my masculine comrade to boost moral and grant me worth. boo.
alas, i await such slippage :) i miss surprises, notes, random phone messages, and the like. but i really do like my freshly established inner beauty. i was degined by a God who doesn't make mistakes, so every physical "flaw" i find must be disregarded. how do you like that jenny craig?! fabulous outlook on life--my God, my maker, doesn't mess up. i am the perfect height (short), weight (let's not talk about that), and color (white? on the inside at least). i am no more or less than splendid. i am more costly than rubies or pearls and with this knowledge i can smile at tomorrow. and then i'm going to change the world.
may God clothe me with strength so that i may conduct myself with dignity. may i be proverbs 31. may i decorate my own soul. may i rise above it all.
singledom may have been the best thing coming for a very long time...
alas, i await such slippage :) i miss surprises, notes, random phone messages, and the like. but i really do like my freshly established inner beauty. i was degined by a God who doesn't make mistakes, so every physical "flaw" i find must be disregarded. how do you like that jenny craig?! fabulous outlook on life--my God, my maker, doesn't mess up. i am the perfect height (short), weight (let's not talk about that), and color (white? on the inside at least). i am no more or less than splendid. i am more costly than rubies or pearls and with this knowledge i can smile at tomorrow. and then i'm going to change the world.
may God clothe me with strength so that i may conduct myself with dignity. may i be proverbs 31. may i decorate my own soul. may i rise above it all.
singledom may have been the best thing coming for a very long time...
"i am the light of the world. whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
john 8:12b
i made karla cry today. third grade was awful so i told her to sit in another desk in the corner of the classroom. she has always had attitude but she'd never been obsitnate. so, i told her she could sit in the desk or leave. i physically stopped her from mobing away from her new desk; i taught from the space between her and her classmates even. she started crying and the other students started yelling. rosie (the full-time teacher) knocked on the door to check in. i was afraid i was going to get in trouble for making the little girl cry, but she just asked my if they always behaved this badly. i responded that sure, they were naughty, but today was extreme.
so school was a drag. there's always tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. but we won't get into that. i can't seem to shake the funk i'm in however. i've been so lucky all year, not experiencing my wierd chemical inbalances. i'm struggling with my crippling introvertedness again; the ones that haunted me last year. the only thing i've found to help is working in the fields.
i love the digging. i dig until my hands bleed, my back is aching, and my eyes are stinging from the salty sweat that trickles down my brown forehead. i like the bantering boys, racing across the field, the sun, the absence of my silly roommates. i think i need a break.
i wrapped my hair into a halo today--it keeps it straight after i get out of the shower, it's actually pretty nifty. then ashley and nat went to use the internet. sweet sweet solitude. i finished my brown journal (it only took 2 years). it's full of memories. i sat alone on our floor and reveled in my aloneness. wow. peace.
john 8:12b
i made karla cry today. third grade was awful so i told her to sit in another desk in the corner of the classroom. she has always had attitude but she'd never been obsitnate. so, i told her she could sit in the desk or leave. i physically stopped her from mobing away from her new desk; i taught from the space between her and her classmates even. she started crying and the other students started yelling. rosie (the full-time teacher) knocked on the door to check in. i was afraid i was going to get in trouble for making the little girl cry, but she just asked my if they always behaved this badly. i responded that sure, they were naughty, but today was extreme.
so school was a drag. there's always tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. but we won't get into that. i can't seem to shake the funk i'm in however. i've been so lucky all year, not experiencing my wierd chemical inbalances. i'm struggling with my crippling introvertedness again; the ones that haunted me last year. the only thing i've found to help is working in the fields.
i love the digging. i dig until my hands bleed, my back is aching, and my eyes are stinging from the salty sweat that trickles down my brown forehead. i like the bantering boys, racing across the field, the sun, the absence of my silly roommates. i think i need a break.
i wrapped my hair into a halo today--it keeps it straight after i get out of the shower, it's actually pretty nifty. then ashley and nat went to use the internet. sweet sweet solitude. i finished my brown journal (it only took 2 years). it's full of memories. i sat alone on our floor and reveled in my aloneness. wow. peace.
i'm baaack
"he who forms the mountains, creats the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man."
amos 4:13
I have a list of things I want to do in life. I have places I want to go. I have goals and dreams. I want to go to Italy, someday I'll head to Africa, I want to live in another country and have a family there. Learn as much as I possibly can... So you see, I have desires of my heart. But I've been thinking lately (scary I know) and ultimately I want to fulfill the plan God has for me.
If being the woman God wants me to be means tossing my list and living a life of singledom, stablility, and stagnancy, I will. But I also believe taht God gave me my independence, my longing for adventure, and perhaps a family of my own. Will he calm the fire of my heart? will he simply continue to change me until I no longer feel the need for them? Or are my wishes finally becoming his?
Really, all I want is to know that I'm doing the right thing--because it's good, because it's true, because it's right. I want to make decisions in the way God wants me to. I want our plans for my life to be the same, so that I'll always know that things will work out for the best. So God, reveal your thoughts to this girl. Make my life full--of you.
amos 4:13
I have a list of things I want to do in life. I have places I want to go. I have goals and dreams. I want to go to Italy, someday I'll head to Africa, I want to live in another country and have a family there. Learn as much as I possibly can... So you see, I have desires of my heart. But I've been thinking lately (scary I know) and ultimately I want to fulfill the plan God has for me.
If being the woman God wants me to be means tossing my list and living a life of singledom, stablility, and stagnancy, I will. But I also believe taht God gave me my independence, my longing for adventure, and perhaps a family of my own. Will he calm the fire of my heart? will he simply continue to change me until I no longer feel the need for them? Or are my wishes finally becoming his?
Really, all I want is to know that I'm doing the right thing--because it's good, because it's true, because it's right. I want to make decisions in the way God wants me to. I want our plans for my life to be the same, so that I'll always know that things will work out for the best. So God, reveal your thoughts to this girl. Make my life full--of you.
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