September 10, 2007
“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalms 46:10
Got to just be still. To know that you are near. The island time is still too fast. I need place to silently wait for you. I need a safe place; a place I don’t need to struggle for words, where I can stand in silence, or kneel in prayer.
Yesterday and today were uneventful for the more part. I can play scales and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on the cello. That’s sort of exciting. I’ve found that if I listen to my students’ questions, my sisters’ prodding, or my parent’s instruction with my heart I can almost understand. I understand more when I listen with my heart than when I struggle to catch every word with my ear. Although I’m often at a loss for words, my heart hears their stories; I can comprehend their joy, I can expiernece their pain, I know what they mean because my heart is a better listener than my ear. With great care I lean forward and allow myself to touch with my eyes, feel with my ears, and hear with my heart.
September 12, 2007
“Take my hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise you near enough. I have nothing, I am nothing, without you.” Bebo Norman
These lines have never been more true. I feel weak and tired. I’m hungry. Tonight was the first time I felt full in a long time J I ate a whole sweet potato and a cup of baker’s chocolate, sugar, and water. Yum! [please note sarcasm] I think I’ve lost about six pounds. I’m not really sure because there aren’t any scales here, but judging by the way my clothes don’t fit, I’d say six to ten is as good a guess as any.
God give me the strenght to make it through one more day. Help me to sincerely smile. Give me patience when I’m worn thin. Literally… Grant me peace that passes understanding. For that matter, if you could just give me understanding. Hold my family and I together in your hands. Much more of you, much less of me.
September 14, 2007
“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh how beautiful!” Song of Solomon 1:15
I wore my blue heels today because they just make e verything better. Adelyana (the high school English teacher) commented on my outfit and called me beatiful. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed the off-handed comments about my hair, my clothes, my shoes… I actually missed being called beautiful. I feel so icky all the time that I forget to try to be pretty. I just want my cheeks to be all cute and flushed, and my skin to be clear, and my smile to light up my face, but most of the time I’m just sweaty. I want my laugh to brighten someone’s day, and my voice to bring cheer to someone’s heart. I miss being loved and being told that I’m beautiful.
I hadn’t realized how important those words are. God, if you could just remind me that you think I’m beautiful, because I’m your creation. I want you to see me, and say “it is good.” Let me be beautifully at peace.
September 18, 2007
As I sit on the grungy yellow sheets, surrounded by open Bibles, lesson plans, and flash cards I realize that four weeks ago today I was frantically running around in gym shorts and my Keep It Cool shirt, shoving last-minute items into an already full duffle. Wow that’s a long sentence. Four weeks ago I feel asleep on my carpet, gentle held by arms I miss an awful lot. Four weeks ago I spoke English; I livedn and breathed unhindered by heat or insects. Four weeks ago I rocked, silently sobbing, in Eric’s room, wondering how much longer he’d fit in that hand-me-down bed.
Four weeks ago I was surrounded by people who want the best for me, who love and care about me because I am one of them. Four weeks ago I wasn’t aware of true hunger—physical or spiritual. Four weeks ago I was unsure of where I’d end up when Jesus comes again, and even though I still cling to my terror of being lost and running out of time, I know I’m headed in the right direction.